Wednesday, May 6, 2009

If I Had the Nerve

I received an email from a good friend yesterday. She had read my post on the hit'n'run letter we were sent by a coward neighbor. This little gem** showed up in her email and she thought it was fitting and passed it along:

GOD:Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon.
The nectar from the long lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are these green rectangles.

ST. FRANCIS:It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. they started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD: Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS:Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it--sometimes twice a week.

GOD:They cut it? Do they then bail it like hay?

ST.FRANCIS:Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD:They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Co they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS:No Sir. Just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD:Now let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. and when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?


GOD:These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

ST.FRANCIS:You aren't going to believe this Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD:What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer.
In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep the moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life.

ST. FRANCIS:You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

GOD:No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter and to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS:After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place for the leaves.

GOD:And where do they get this mulch?

ST.FRANCIS:They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD:Enough. I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

ST.CATHERINE:Dumb and Dumber, Lord. It's a real stupid movie about....

GOD:Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.

**I wish I had the nerve to copy this on orange paper and send it anonymously to the neighbor(s) who sent the hit'n'run to us, but as I said in my previous post, I'll just keep trying to do the right thing. But in my head, I might have a new name for my passive/aggressive concerned neighbor(s)--Dumb and Dumber.

I cannot take credit for authoring that joke. Unfortunately, I can't give credit to the author either, because it wasn't listed in the email. But whoever wrote it? I pink puffy heart them! Also, I do not plan on using email jokes as regular blog posts, but this one just fit the bill so well, that I couldn't resist (Thanks, Andrea!).

And now back to your regularly scheduled blog author--me. Sorry! You can't have smart and witty all the time, people. Well, you can, but you'll probably have to find another blogger to follow. Heh.

**Again, comments still broken. You can comment or contact me via email if you wish. Really! I'd love it if you did! Thanks!

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