Overheard At The Dinner Table

Sean had a substitute teacher the other day. He said, "We had a sub. She was really strict and really mean. I think she thought she was teaching kindergarten, because she wouldn't let us do anything. Plus she was really, really old. She was like, older than dirt + 1."

I will now be using that phrase because it is genius. Genius, I say!

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Somehow Maggie started talking about childbirth. Thankfully, her siblings had gone outside to play already. She mentioned that she would probably just adopt because "having a baby hurts", and "eeeewww, it's just so gross." Plus after you have a baby, you nurse it which is also "weird and gross."

When I mentioned that there were good drugs to be had during childbirth and that at the end any pain you suffered was totally worth it because at the end you have a baby, she looked at me dubiously and said, "Ummmmm, no."

She went on to say that she would never be having sex because that was disgusting as well and totally weird. What I said out loud was: "Well, someday, when you are married, you will want to have sex because it won't feel gross to you then. It should be gross to you right now. And yes, it does seem weird. It does seem like an odd way of expressing love and having kids, but trust me, when you are MUCH older, it won't seem so strange."

What I was thinking in my head was: "OH PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEEEEEASE KEEP THINKING THAT UNTIL YOU ARE 35!!!"

Then as I started to clear my plate she said, "I'm never having sex. I'm never having a baby or nursing. I'll adopt. Adoption is a good thing, right?"

"Absolutely," I replied. "Adoption is a wonderful thing."

Then she sat quietly for a moment and said, "Oh. Also. I'm never having a colonoscopy. Because that's weird and disgusting and they put a camera up your butt!"

Okay, then.

Don't you wish you could have dinner at our house?