Thursday, May 27, 2010

I Don't Think There Is A Class Average For This Class

It's the end of the school year. Ready or not, report cards are coming. So to keep with the spirit of the occasion, I decided to grade myself. My children are always complaining because I don't get a report card. I have explained to them that I spent a lot of years getting report cards and my turn is over. They have declared this patently unfair. Believe me, this is just one in a litany of their complaints regarding the unfairness of their lives.

I decided that since report cards are no longer just a grade next to a subject, but a break down of each subject to its different parts, I would grade myself the same way. Plus, well, it's just way more entertaining that way, right? Right! So, let's begin, shall we?

Literature- A
I've read some good books this year: The Help, The Book Thief, The Big Short

Vocabulary- A
My vocabulary and personal lexicon has increased to include "nerd burn", "moobs" and "God + 1." I can even demonstrate them in a sentence:
Sam totally nerd burned the teacher when he corrected him about the GDP of Ghana
Gross! That dude needs to wear a shirt when he mows the lawn. He's got moobs! (man+boobs=moobs. Get it?)

Oh man. I am tired. I saw myself in the mirror and I look older than God+1!!

Grammar- B
My blog has spellcheck which is a good thing. Having an editor or grammar check would be even better.

Computation- B
I was able to keep track of 18 students.
I almost always got the milk count wrong for those same students.

Spatial Relationships- A
I was able to wedge copious amounts of laundry into my machines.
I could manipulate the plates and dishes and pans in an overfull dishwasher to make room
for that one last thing so that I wouldn't have to hand wash anything.

Reasoning- C
I could not ever figure out how 4 children could make a mess that looked like a plague of
40 rabid ferrets had descended upon our home.

Estimation- B-
I continually overestimated the amount of hours I had in a day. I continually under-
estimated the amount of time any given project or errand would take.

Botany- Incomplete
I planted a small garden. The plants are up, but I am awaiting yield results.

Zoology- Incomplete
I am still trying to figure out the dumb dog.

Psychology- Incomplete
I am working in a home lab setting with 4 subjects. Experiments are conducted daily.
Data is incomplete at this time.

Chemistry- Incomplete
I have made some gains in this area, but am still trying to find a formula that will satisfy
everyone at the dinner table. I have discovered that it is neither feasible nor financially
or nutritionally prudent to serve pizza or cereal for every meal.

Physics- A
I have proven that gravity is indeed a force inside my home, as everything that is dropped
on the floor by my children stays on the floor.

Social Studies
Geography- B
Living area boundaries will soon be changing since the loft to bedroom conversion is nearly
complete. Points were deducted for lateness.

Cultural Connections- A
I learned new traditions from a student while helping to ease him into our culture.

Political Science- A
I helped my 5th grade son study for his constitution test. I impressed him by singing the
preamble without missing a thing. (Thank you very much, Schoolhouse Rock!)

Creativity- A
I made time to create a few projects for my home.

Materials- C
I supervised 18 four year olds three days a week while they used various materials, in-
cluding crayons, ink, paint, glue, scissors, and glitter. Glitter kicked my ass. I was painfully
defeated by glitter.

Creativity- A
I played LOTS of duets on the piano with my eldest daughter and we laughed a lot.

Practice- C
I played no "serious" music on the piano and my fingers are seriously rusty.

Participation- A
I attended three school band concerts, one elementary school music program (Pirates!
Arrrr!), and LOTS of preschool music programs, including my favorite, "The Ladybug

Activity- A
Stair climbing: number climbed due to regular use--approximately 1,379
number climbed due to forgetfulness--approximately 1,723 (points de-

Running: ran 3.1 miles LOTS of times (bonus points for wearing a ridiculous looking head-
band while running.)

Extra Credit: throwing a slobbery ball to a hyper dog even when I am worn out.

Spirit- A
Attended numerous volleyball, football, and baseball games. Toted various equipment and
contended with a bored 5 year old during all.

Personal Growth
I came close to letting my home fall into utter ruin only two times during the school year. B

I have increased my tolerance for my oldest child's popular music selections. However, I still
cannot abide Ms. Spears, The Gaga, or ruining a perfectly good song by either a) mixing/
sampling b) throwing ridiculous rap lyrics into the middle of it. B

I have stalked Goodwill a little less. B

I maintained my sense of humor in the face of rampant nose picking, adolescent eye rolling,
elementary style fit-pitching, preschool picky palates, and the occasional instances of
accidental burial under mountains of laundry.

Overall, I think my grade is about a B+. But you know, I'm the teacher and the student and I set the curve, so maybe it's a little higher. Still, I'm sure whatever grade I get, my children will complain that it's not fair.

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