Tuesday, December 15, 2009


It was a busy, busy weekend. It involved several short trips with short people to very crowded stores, a rather longish trip with a tall, handsome person to very crowded stores, cleaning, cooking, tile, and a teenager with upper respiratory crud. Good times. Do I know how to live it up, or what?

I also made some discoveries. These discoveries involved um, let's just say, things that were not helpful or didn't end well. I'll share with you what I've learned because I'm helpful and live to make your life easier. And if I know what doesn't work, then I can be like those flashing signs on the interstate informing you of trouble ahead so that you may avoid the problems. You're welcome. What can I say? I'm a giver.

Discovery #1--When your computer is being wonky, it is not helpful to pound the keyboard in frustration. Sure, it may make you feel better in the short term, but I can nearly guarantee that your computer will hold a grudge against you and then make your life miserable.

Discovery #2--Asking your very tired, very stressed out wife if she is having PMS is a lot like shaking a stick in the face of a rabid badger. Horrible idea. This is a situation that is bound to end badly. I might suggest that a better strategy is to hand your wife a glass of wine, offer to put whiny children to bed, and then discuss how you may try to help ease her holiday stress. An alternative strategy is to keep your mouth shut. It is never a good idea to invoke those three letters, because if she does have PMS, then you may get your face torn off. If she doesn't then she may just lose her mind when you want to blame life stresses on PMS.

Discovery #3--Telling your parent "he/she started it" when they come to stop World War III will not garner you any accolades or get you out of trouble. In fact, it may make your parent slap their forehead V8 style and wonder what kind of future you have ahead of you.

Discovery #4-- Baking a delicious dessert like, say, a Bailey's Irish Cream Bundt cake and then telling your family that you didn't make it for them will make them peevish. And really, you'll hate yourself a little too.

Discovery #5-- Waiting too long to fix dinner for everyone because you are not hungry will only increase the already over-the-top whining and move the exaggerated pleas of "I'm starving" to overly melodramatic stomach clutching and whimpering.

Discovery #6-- You will discover just how much you use a room when it is no longer available to you. For instance, if you are unable to enter or leave the house through, say, a mudroom because the mudroom floor is being tiled, you will find yourself needing to leave the house approximately 7,432 times during the weekend.

And finally, Helpful Discovery #6--Surprisingly, this is something that ended well. Watching Will Ferrell in "Elf" while snuggled in pajammies and sipping an adult beverage of some sort, soothes the savage beast and makes up for all of the discoveries you made. I simply cannot watch a grown man in an elf costume say lines like 'You smell like beef and cheese' or 'This is Buddy the elf, what's your favorite color?' without laughing until my spleen hurts.

Now, my sweetlings I hope you have learned from my missteps. Go forth and goof up no more. At the very least, save Elf on the DVR and keep your liquor cabinet stocked.

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