Tuesday, June 2, 2009


In church on Sunday, the reader was reading about the Fruits of the Spirit. Maggie was sitting next to me. As the reader was listing the fruits, I was whispering them slightly ahead of her. Maggie was watching me. When I said "kindness" and the reader read "generosity," Maggie said "Ha! You're wrong!" I told her I wasn't wrong. She could look it up. Sometimes, I told her, different translations of the Bible use different words. I had always said love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control, but that didn't mean that generosity was wrong either. "Different translation of the same language," I told her. "You know, like how we interpret or say things differently sometimes, even though we are both speaking and hearing English."

She laid her head on my shoulder and was silent for a moment. Then she looked at me and said,"Those are the Fruits of the Loom, right?"

Sweet cracker sandwiches, I am going to hell on the Handcart Express, because I laughed out loud. Snorted even! Put another dollar (or 11) in the childrens' Therapy Jar for having a mother who laughs hysterically at your mistake. Then add a few more bucks because apparently, your mother has been lacking in giving you a good spiritual education.

I bet you would have laughed too. I have a feeling that the Handcart Express is going to be one crowded vehicle.


I have bribed the children. (BAD MOMMY!) I have bribed them with a reward that I secretly want so that if the qualifications are met, I will get to have some fun too. (REALLY BAD MOMMY!!) Add a few more bucks to the Therapy Jar. (You know, if I quit stealing from it to buy booze, the Therapy Jar might have enough in it to get the kids through college...)

The Dynamic Duo of daylight saving time and summer vacation has meant that my littlest darlings are not hitting the mattress before 9 p.m. This would be okay with me because they are outside getting exercise, fresh air, and having fun. EXCEPT! When it is bedtime, they don't stay in bed. I know they are exhausted. I know their little bodies are craving sleep and rest, but they are fighting it, y'all. Fighting hard.

A more fitting name for "bedtime" would be "bedlam" around here. Mary doesn't really want to stay in her bed until Sean is in his. Sean doesn't really want to stay in bed until James is in his. James' bedtime is a full hour after Sean's and almost two hours after Mary's. That's how it's supposed to be, anyway. Extended summer playtime has meant later bedtimes for everyone. Even so, nobody wants to stay in their beds. I have become a fishwife at bedtime. I am a complete harridan, yelling and shaking my fist. I don't understand what's so hard about staying in bed.

It's not as if we are throwing wild cocktail parties downstairs. They are not missing anything exciting. When they come downstairs, they are met with one of three scenarios: a) I am in my pajamas on the couch channel surfing through the last 20 minutes until the 10 o'clock news comes on. b) I am in my pajamas surfing the web until the 10 o'clock news comes on. c) I am on the couch reading a book until the 10 o'clock news comes on. I know! Total party animal. Don't you wish you lived my glamorous life?

A few days ago after having gone round and round on the bedtime crazy train, I issued the ultimatum--if you don't stay in bed, you come in and go to bed at your regular bedtime! And lo, there was weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth. But I stuck to my guns and bedtime got a little better.

So last night, I told them that if everyone did a stellar job at bedtime (and yes, I defined what I meant by "stellar" giving step by step instructions, sometimes complete with pantomime illustrations) we would go see the movie "UP" today.

I am happy to announce that we will be attending the 11 a.m. screening. SQUEEEEE!! I can't wait! I have wanted to see this movie since last summer when I saw a little short posted on the Internet.

We don't usually go see movies at the theater because, Holy Hannah, have you seen the cost of a movie ticket lately? Multiply that by six and you've laid out some caysh! Usually, we have movie night at home, complete with popcorn, fizzy drinks and cozy blankets and pillows. But today, we are livin' large, y'all. We might even buy popcorn!

Just remind me to repay the money I borrowed from the Therapy Jar...

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