Scene: An elevator in a hotel. My four children and I get on an empty elevator. We are in our swimsuits and headed down to the pool. At the last second, a man gets on the elevator. My family scoots together in a corner to give the man his personal space bubble. It is silent.
Mary: (in a stage whisper that she thinks is a whisper whisper) Well. This is awkward.
Yeah. It was after that.
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Scene: My family is seated around a table in a restaurant. We have just finished looking over the dessert menu. This is thrilling for my children. It is a novel experience. They have made up their minds. Both Mary and Sean choose the same dessert. It is basically a chocolate layer cake, but it's got a made up name that is long. Mary is repeating the name over and over because she can't remember it, but she keeps repeating it wrong. Finally the waiter arrives to take our order. He begins with Sean on the opposite side of the table and goes around the table taking our orders. Mary is last. I see the look of panic on her face as the waiter looks at her, pen poised over his tablet. There is a moment of silence as she tries to remember the name of what she wants.
Mary: Ummm....(panicky eyes) Uhhh....(pointing at Sean) I'll have what he's having!
Me: Snnnqqqubbbttt! (Again, the sound of simultaneously doing a spit take and swallowing my tongue.)
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Scene: Mary and I are at Target picking up a few things. We are near the toy section and she sees the large, inflated, bouncy balls.
Mary: Oooohh! Bouncy Balls!!
Me: Mmmmhhmmm...
Mary: I love balls! I really love big balls! They're so fun and squishy! I love them so much I want to marry them. (In a high, squeaky, loud, silly voice) I'm gonna marry big balls! I love big balls!
Me: (Speeding the cart quickly to another part of the store.) Hey! Sing about your love for something else, please. Like music or puppies. Or Jesus! Yes. Sing me a song about Jesus!
Yeah. I'm pretty sure that I can never go back there.
