Wednesday, March 2, 2011

The Fine Print Is Always The Tricky Part

Anyone want a dog? No? Are you sure? She's cute. Right now, though, I'm pretty sure that's all she has going for her. Because if I were to put up a sign offering her to a good home, under her picture and the words "I'm cute" the fine print would say:

"I am also very good at finding doors left open even a fraction of an inch and then using my hidden and retractable opposable thumbs to completely open the door and escape to roam the neighborhood. I am not good at closing the door behind me. I am a fast runner. If you plan on coming after me on foot, you should bring along an Olympic sprinter. If you plan on coming after me in the car, I will ignore you until it suits my purposes. Then, when I am good and ready, I'll pretend to be submissive and slink into the car. Then I'll fill the car with the smell of my dog breath because, dude, I can really run fast, yo and that makes me pant. I love this game and am very good at it. I like to play it alot. I also like to play Spitty Ball. This game involves you throwing a tennis ball, me going after it, and then soaking it in my saliva and tossing it back to you. I really like to do this when you are relaxing on the couch after a long day and you are finally in control of the television. I have great aim. My favorite target is your chin. I am very furry and very generous. I like to leave traces of my presence everywhere within your dwelling and on your clothing by leaving behind copious amounts of dog hair. What can I say? I'm a giver. I am superb at chewing on things that will make you scratch your head in wonder and consternation; stuffed animals, Barbies, popsicle sticks, and expensive retainers are just a few of the things that have bent to the mercy of the sharpened spears you call teeth. I also believe that I am a lapdog and if you are sitting on the floor, well then friend, I am sitting on you! I love everyone, therefore I believe that everyone loves me and I greet all with the wagging of my entire body for an absurdly long time. Man, I know how to show when I'm happy. Well, except for the UPS guy. I hate him. I'm really good at making his brown truck run away every time he comes by. Coward. Also, I snore. And fart. Loudly. Seriously, what's not to love??"

Hey, I'm smarter than my dog. I'd put the fine print in invisible ink.

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