Tuesday, February 23, 2010

I'll Be Sure To Wash My Hands After This

As I write this I am in a well lit room with six other people. There is the clickclick of mouses and the random rapid-fire tapa-tapa-tapa of the keyboards. I am in the local library making use of their computers because my computer has decided to take a dive. It has been coming for a while. I've been right in the middle of important things--checking email, consulting with heads of state, updating my Facebook status, figuring out complex economic equations to stimulate the economy, writing posts, playing Bejeweled, cruising Craigslist for furniture I can fix up, and just generally saving the world--when suddenly and without warning (is that redundant?) my computer blinks off and I am facing a blank screen. Then, when I try to boot back up, I can't even get Windows to open, I'm just left with a black screen with white print asking me which mode I'd like to start up in because there has been some sort of abnormal shutdown and just what the hell did I do to the computer anyway?

I am not computer savvy. I know how to do some things, but somethings, I just have to scratch my head, say "huh!" and tell the computer it has won. My husband is more knowledgeable about these things, but he rarely uses our home computer. He has a laptop for work that he uses so the wonkiness of our home computer hasn't affected him much. Our conversations about it have been a bit like this:

Me: (frustrated) This stupid computer keeps booting me.
Him: Huh.
Me: It's been doing it a lot lately.
Him: Huh.
Me: Then, sometimes when I try to boot up I get a screen asking me just what the hell I did to the computer.
Him: Huh.
Me: And sometimes when I try to reboot it that way, it doesn't do anything. Anything at all! It just gives me a blank screen and sits there!
Him: Huh.
Me: It's been acting a lot like you are right now.
Him: Hmmm.
Me: And sometimes, it says things to me in an eerily calm voice. It says things like 'Don't do that Sara. I don't like it when you do that.'

But this is sort of how things go around here. Particularly when things break down that don't directly affect my husband. Now I'm not knocking my husband. I love him. He's a good man. But let's just say that there have been times when I've complained mentioned how something is acting wonky and he hasn't been, shall we say, an "active listener." Until it affects him. For instance, I might mention that the van is making a funny noise. I get a lot of "hmms," and the sound of crickets. I keep mentioning it, because if the van breaks, I don't want to get blamed. I keep getting the sound of crickets because my husband drives the van about once a week. And do you know what happens when he finally gets behind the wheel? That's right! He says, "Hey! The van is making a funny noise. When did this start?" And then my head explodes into a million tiny pieces.

So over the weekend we had a conversation that went like this:
Him: (sitting at the home computer cruising eBay motors) Hey! The computer just booted me!
Me: What? You're kidding me!
Him: No! It just went to black!
Me: Crazy!
Him: (trying to reboot) Now look! It won't even start Windows!
Me: Of all the....
Him: Has this been happening to you?
Me: I divorce you, I divorce you, I divorce you!
Him: Why are you so cranky?
Me: ......................

Yeah. So he called some tech people at work who are going to try today to do something long distance. I'm thinking that it may involve chanting "I'm a techno loser" while standing on your head, clothed only in legwarmers and underwear. Also I'm fully expecting them to tell us that the problem can only be fixed in a month containing no vowels on a day that ends with 's' while Mercury is in retrograde. I'm also expecting that my computer will either be sent to the computer fixers (that's the lingo, you know) or it will expire. Either way, I'm guessing I won't have use of my home computer for awhile.

Hence my willingness to vacate my nest and use germy computers with the hoards of unwashed masses at our local library. Okay, I might be exaggerating. I think everybody in here has washed. Except possibly that one guy over there that is watching Olympic ice dancing on YouTube.

Also, I don't just get in underwear and legwarmers for anyone. You have to actively not listen to me to get that privilege.

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