Letters

Dear Sea Salt and Cracked Pepper Potato Chips,

I love you. Unfortunately I love you with the kind of love that is not healthy. Yes, you are there for me when I need you with your delicious flavor, but then you linger too long, causing occasional heartburn and certain weight gain. You are lovely and really, I've enjoyed my time with you, but you're just not good for me. Please, if you see me in the grocery store, don't call to me. Don't be offended if I ignore you. I just feel that it's better if we keep to ourselves. You stay in your bag on the shelf and I will admire you from afar. I will remember you fondly.

As Ever,
Me


Dear Dumb Dog,

How is it even possible that you still have fur flying off of your body at the lightest touch? You have been bathed and Furminated within an inch of your life and I still see hair floating in the breeze. I am considering shaving you bald. But don't worry. It would only be for the summer and I promise I would coat you with sunscreen. C'mon! You know it would be much cooler that way and you could possibly start a trend among the neighborhood dogs. Short of that, I am thinking that I might put velcro strips on you so that when you lay down you'll be picking up at least as much fur as you are leaving behind. Now, go wag your furry butt somewhere else.

Love, but quickly losing sanity,
Your Alpha


Dear Person Who Did That Thing That I Can't Write About Here,

Seriously?! I mean really, SERIOUSLY?!?!?

Whatever,
Me


Dear Mudroom,

I am sick of your mess. Get up off of your dirty tile floor and pick yourself up already! I have better things to do with my time than pick up after you.

Get busy,
Me


Dear Washer and Dryer,

Please believe me when I say that I still find you very shiny and pretty and highly useful. I am sorry that I haven't seen much of you this week. (What do you mean, calling me a liar?) It's just that with the children gone I just don't have that much laundry. Perhaps you could offer your services to my mother? Or, maybe you'll just want to enjoy your little vacation. They will be coming back, you know, and then I fear that with your longer hours, increased workload, and no pay increase you will want to go on strike. Hey! We could hit the picket lines together!

You are still wonderful,
Me


Dear Dishwasher,

Please see the above letter.

Love,
Me

Dear Garden,

You are becoming a jungle and I love you! Thank you for the lettuce. It was awesome. And you were so kind to have enough to share with others. I see the way you are busy growing the peppers. And don't think that I haven't seen the flowers on the tomatoes, peas, zucchini, cucumbers and strawberries. I know you've been working hard out there in the heat and the rain. By the way, the basil and rosemary? Perfection! Keep up the good work!

I love you, I love you, I love you,
Sara


Dear Mole(s),

You are really starting to get on my nerves. You think you own my yard? I don't see you ponying up when property taxes are due. No! It's just dig, dig, dig, eat, eat, eat. I thought that perhaps you got the hint when the Dumb Dog came to live with us, but it appears that you just made yourself scarce for a while. Now you are back and dude, you are squatting on my land! Don't make me go all Caddyshack on you.

I hate you,
Sara

P.S. You are ugly!


Dear Paint,

Why do you take so long to dry? I just want to finish the stupid room. Please hurry.

Thanks,
S.


Dear Books,

You are awesome. I love how you take me away from the everyday and stimulate my brain. I love how you feel in my hands. I love your smell. I love that when I'm with you, hours pass by so quickly and I forget myself. You are amazing. I hope our love affair will continue happily for years and years and years.

Yours Always,
Sara


Dear Camera,

I know I haven't spent much time with you lately and I'm sorry. I've just not felt in the mood to take pictures. I haven't felt very creative. In fact, I've been pretty tired, so I just let you stay in your case. But have no fear! Vacation is coming and I think that you will be seeing some pretty good sights. Rest up.

See you soon,
S.


Dear Colorado,

Watch out. We are going to invade very soon. My apologies in advance. Looking forward to seeing you!

Adoringly,
Sara