Monday, March 8, 2010

How I Spent My Weekend (Hint: It Wasn't Doing Anything Productive)

Have I mentioned lately that part of my intention with this blog is to make you feel better about yourself? Well, it is. Through the failures that I post, you can vicariously fail so that you don't have to do it in real life. See what a giver I am? You're welcome.

My failure this week is basically a failure of omission. You see, I had great plans this weekend. Oh! The things I was going to accomplish! I was going to set fire to my little corner of the world! People were going to look at me in awe. They were going to see me in stylized slow motion and whip off their sunglasses as my svelte body and long, glossy mane of hair passed them by and they were going to say "Wow! What a mover and shaker! She really gets things done! I want to be just like her!" Aaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnndddddd...cue the alarm clock. Because you know I am dreaming, right? Your first clue should have been my intentions. Followed up by the dynamic duo of daydreaming, the svelte bod and long hair.

I got nothing done this weekend.

Shut up. You could at least act surprised. It's like you all know me or something. Ahem.

I really did have good intentions. I was going to catch up on laundry. (I know, I know, a pipe dream at best.) I was going to sew some stuff. I was going to work on my first ever Craigslist purchase that has been sitting in the basement, mocking me every time I go down there. I was going to do some baking. I was gonna get all Laura Ingalls on this weekend's ass! Whatever. Laura Ingalls didn't have an ipod or indoor plumbing. What does she know?

Saturday was spent entertaining every boy in the neighborhood--and a few from other neighborhoods. They just spontaneously gathered here and played video games and had impromptu Nerf gun wars. If I didn't know better, I'd think that someone put fliers on the telephone poles in the area advertising a smelly boy-style rave. In between yelling "Turn the volume DOWN!" eleventy bajillion times and closing the pantry doors after random hungry boys raided it, I kept myself busy with, um.... I don't know exactly. But it wasn't any of the things on my list. I didn't even get a chance to call my niece and wish her a happy birthday. (Happy birthday, Jill!)

Then suddenly it was Saturday night and I had accomplished nothing. I made a mental note to do better on Sunday.


Mary woke up at 11:30 p.m., just as I was headed for bed, complaining of ear pain. After dosing her with ibuprofen and administering ear drops, I laid on her bed with her for awhile and made a mental list of the things I would do on Sunday.

You know that this was a lesson in futility, right?

Because I spent the wee, butt-crack of dawn hours comforting a girl who cried her way through the night because her ears hurt. I sympathize. I really do. But friends, it's been a looooong time since I've had a baby keep me up most of the night and this body? It doesn't function so well on minimal sleep. Sunday morning was several layers of ugly.

I was supposed to be at the church where I work helping lead our children in singing. Um. Nope. Instead I spent 2 and a half hours at the medcheck having them tell me what I already knew. Mary had an ear infection and needed antibiotics.

I think that at some point, they should just give parents access to amoxicillin and basic medical tools. I mean, I can diagnose an ear infection and strep throat at 30 paces. It kind of maddens me that I need to spend time and money in the doctor's office (or even worse, urgent care) to have them tell me what I already know. When you've been a parent for a number of years and you have had two kids who get ear infections and strep throat if someone three counties away even mentions that their best friend's brother's uncle's third cousin twice removed heard that ear infections/strep were going around, they should just hand over the prescription pad.

Anyway! I spent my morning in that spectacular way and then hoped that I might find a few minutes in the afternoon to make up for lost sleep. Can I just say, HAHAHAHAHAHA???

The minute I hit the bed there were no less than five phone calls. Mary came into my room three times to look for goodnessonlyknowswhat and managed to knock over my lamp and alarm clock on one of those occasions. James came in twice to ask me questions that he could have easily asked his father who, by the way, was in the same room with him. That's right. The boy made two special trips upstairs to ask me questions that he could have asked his dad who was sitting five feet away from him. The dumb dog managed to open the door to my room and went on a wild run. If I didn't know better, I'd swear someone was slipping her Puppy Uppers. The doorbell rang twice causing the dog to lose her tiny little mind. And to cap it all off, the sun was in my eyes. Now normally, you won't hear me complaining about a sunny day. In fact, I have been begging for one for weeks. But this time, I just wasn't loving it. I was whining about it. I was all oh it's too sunny and the sun is in my eyes and I can't sleep and why does everyone hate me and how come the world is conspiring against me waaaaaaaaah!

I know. Lovely.

You know what I did get done? I can proudly say that I may have consumed my weight in Diet Coke this weekend. It wasn't on my list, but I may just put it on there after the fact so that at least I can cross something off. Hmph.

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