Hire Me!

I have a job. I work at a preschool. If I weren't working there, I'd probably still be staying at home. Working, but in a different way. I'm pretty good at being a teacher. I'm pretty good at being a mom. I'm pretty good at making a home. (Except for the laundry. God as my witness, I hate laundry!) But if I could earn a living at something else, an unexpected, made-up kind of job, here is a brief resume of the types of jobs I could make a killing at:

Light turner-outer--I have a decade of experience switching off lights after people have left the room. I have been doing this since my oldest was tall enough to reach the light switch. I don't know why, but my children seem incapable of shutting off lights. They are geniuses at turning them on and leaving them on. But the shut off? Not so much. I could make millions, I tell you!

Door/cabinet/drawer closer--See above.

Expert Mumbler--I am super awesome at mumbling and muttering things under my breath. Tired of your boss? I could make fun of his/her parentage and sartorial decisions without him/her ever hearing me. Sick of your mate? I can utter unheard those things that would push their buttons if said aloud, thereby alleviating tension without actually causing a dispute.

Bathroom trash can emptier--It would appear that I have a superpower in this area. I think I must have laser vision of some type, because apparently I am the only one that can see when a trash can is full or overflowing. Also, I must have superhuman strength, because it seems that nobody else is able to lift out the trash bags. I would rock your world with my can emptying abilities.

Toilet paper replacer--See above.

Dog hair magnet--I must have some sort of genetic mutation that allows me to merely walk into a room where a dog has spent time and every single dog hair immediately flies through the air and clings to me. Seriously, I could make a killing with this one. People would never need a lint roller again. They could just call and invite me over for tea and their home would be free of dog hair instantly--or the minute I left, anyway.

Bedtime story reader--I know, I know. You all think that this is a job for a parent or grandparent, but can the parents and grandparents read with great expression and do voices and accents? They can? Oh. Well then, never mind.

Vacuum canister emptier--See trash can emptier/toilet paper replacer.

Long line finder--Need a few things at the store? In a hurry? Take me with you. If the line is long, simply ask me to get in line at the one I think will move the quickest. You are then free to choose any other line you wish, because it is guaranteed--guaranteed, I say!--that the line I have chosen will be the one with the chattiest cashier, or the oblivious lady with four children under five who are hopped up on caffeine and sugar and climbing on the candy racks(wait, is that lady me?), or the elderly gentleman who cannot hear and is paying only in nickels, or the 5 surly teenage girls who each have two things to buy and cannot see the point in putting them all together and then figuring out the total and dividing it up because math is haaaard! Meanwhile, you will take your things and be outta there in the merest whisper of an instant. I could make a mint doing this job at Christmastime alone!

Pillow replacer--See trash can emptier/toilet paper replacer/vacuum canister emptier.

Fun killer--Again, I must toot my own horn at my awesomeness in this particular area. For references, you may ask my children. They will be only too happy to tell you about the many, many creative ways I find to suck the fun out of anything.

And there you have it. If you see any of these jobs listed in the Want Ads, keep me in mind, won't you?