You know that I enjoy the humorous side of things. I love to share things that make me laugh, things that make me happy in my life--the lighter side of this work of motherhood and helpmate. But I also, from time to time, have to keep things real. Because while laughter is wonderful--and I hope that I have made you laugh--it's not everything. Life is funny, just not all the time. Most of the time, I can see the lighter and brighter side of a situation. I can usually find humor in nearly everything. But sometimes, life isn't funny.
Sometimes little things collect and become big things. And sometimes the big things become the boulder which I find myself trying to scale without ropes or handholds. I am a sucky boulder scaler. I find it's much easier to chip away at the boulder--the individual little things--until the boulder is just a pile of smaller rocks that I can work over and toss aside.
Except sometimes I can't. The boulder is big and immovable and impenetrable. And that's when life seems heavy.
I find myself staring at one of those boulders right now.
Oh, there are a few little things that I've been able to chip off and work on with some success, but mostly there's just a big, giant, sucktastic boulder sitting there. The worst part is, that it's not really my boulder. It came from someone else. But because of the nature of this particular pile of rock, the boulder has also become mine.
My heart hurts.
I can share a few of these heartaches--the little rocks I can work over. Things like:
Mary has been to the nurse several days in a row, all during recess time. When I talked it over with her, I discovered that there's not really anything physically significant wrong with her. Her hurt is on the inside. Recess is a hard place for her. When I asked her some probing questions, I was able to discover that she is feeling left out. When I asked her what she does after she asks to play with people (and they've told her 'we already have enough people in this game') she said "I sit on the bench and wait for recess to just be over." My heart shattered into a million pieces to see my sweet, friendly, smart, fun-loving girl so hurt.
James dropped out of football. I know, right? My football crazy son, after much soul-searching and heart-wrenching discussion with us has given football up this year. I don't know if he'll play next year. That's his call. But it hurts to watch him in all his vacillating resolve and indecision and grief. He tells me he's okay. He tells me he made the right decision. But then I see him after he's spoken with a former teammate. And my heart shatters into a million pieces.
There is something else. But it's not something I can share. Partly because it's not completely my boulder. Just know that I would covet your prayers while I am working on these heavier things.
I promise there will be more funny. There always is in life, isn't there? And thank God for that. And I promise that if it makes me laugh, I will share it. But for now, I need to shelter my heart a bit. I need to gather some strength to figure out how to move the boulder.
Thanks for reading. Thanks for listening.
