Monday, January 31, 2011

Yowza! The Things I Learn At Kroger!

I was in a time crunch on Saturday as I headed into the grocery store. I flew through the aisles and quickly grabbed the things I needed. It was crowded and I headed for the express checkout, praying that no one would call me out for having 17 items in the 15 items or less line.

As I loaded the last thing onto the counter, the man behind me suddenly spoke up: "Have you ever seen a man cheat on his wife?"

Nonplussed, I merely turned to look at him with what I'm sure was a deer-in-the-headlights face. My brain raced as I thought of how to respond.

Yo, dude that is the worst pick up line ever!.......
This guy can't be hitting on me. I'm old and look like hell. And he's older and looks worse!.......
Why, no, sir. I can't say that I have, but I don't go around asking people about the relationship status of the people that they are with......

Just as my brain decided to go with the last option, the man answered his own question. "Well you are seeing one today!"

My brain jolted, I cringed internally, and I willed myself not to say out loud what was clanging in my head--namely "EWWW Pervy Guy!! Get away from me!" The cashier and I exchanged glances that showed we were in solidarity with our thoughts.

Again, before I could answer, the man said, "My wife is out of town today and so I am taking to opportunity to cheat. Here's my mistress."

At this point, he pulled a carton of Edy's Somoas ice cream from his cart and put it on the counter. As the grin cracked over my face he said, "And I'm cheating on her with these," at which point he produced a rather large bag of Archway glazed oatmeal cookies.

While those are not my personal preferences for cheating (mine would be mint chocolate chip ice cream and Pepperidge Farm Milano cookies) I was greatly relieved that I was able to respond in a way that wouldn't make me look stupid.

"Well, why not?" I said. "In for a penny, in for a pound, right?"

He pointed to his wedding ring and told me that he took his vows very seriously. I agreed and might've told him that he was a righteous dude. I told him that I took my vows very seriously too and that if he had to cheat, well, this wasn't a bad way to go.

As I readied myself to pay my bill, the cashier looked at us both and breathed out a big sigh. "Whew!" she said. "I'm glad y'all worked that out. I was about to start freakin' out!"

We all agreed that if the only cheating that occurred in the world involved ice cream and cookies, the world would be a much different place indeed.

Now, I often strike up conversations with people when we are waiting in line, but this one? It will go down as one of the best by far.

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