My Life, It Is So Fun*

You know how there are times in your life that there is so much going on, so many things happening, so much news to share that you are just breathless in the midst of it all and don't know where to begin?

This isn't one of those times. Ahem.

I am sorry to say that the most interesting thing I have to report is a rather aggravating case of plantar fasciitis. Would it make it more interesting if I told you that it's totally self-diagnosed (I had a consult with Dr. Google, who, by the way, completely concurs with my diagnosis) and that I am now an expert in taping my own feet? No? Well, you might change your mind about that if you saw me actually trying to tape my own feet. I have to get rather acrobatic with myself and it turns out that I am not so bendy any more. I guess if I injure myself whilst taping my feet that could sorta kinda be entertaining but I dunno, saying that you injured yourself in a foot-taping accident lacks a bit of glamor, don't you think?

I can report that the dumb dog has been given the most evil gift ever. It is a jingle collar. What's a jingle collar, you ask? It's a piece of elastic wrapped in red and white velour--a canine scrunchy, if you will--that has bells attached around it. It is a torture device for the dog. When she wears it and hears it jingle, she looks behind her and runs as if she were being pursued by a rabid gopher. It's seriously hilarious. Guess who gave it to her? (Insert maniacal laughter here.) I couldn't help myself. It was calling my name from the shelves at Petco. I just thought it was cute and that the dumb dog would look festive in it, I didn't know that it was going to freak her out. That was just a lucky bonus. But I'm not cruel. I've only put it on her twice. I'm saving the real fun for Christmas when she can wear it and tear around the house and knock people over.

I can also report that the Christmas lights that I've put up in several places around our home are conspiring to make me crazy. They were all working perfectly when we put them up. Now they are taking turns burning out and dying--but only half a string at a time. You'd think I'd have wised up and purchased several boxes and kept them stashed here so that I'd have them when the lights decide to fizzle out. But that would be what a smart, sane person would do. I, on the other hand, have made at least three trips to big box stores to purchase a new string of lights. I am a jeenyus. Nothing makes me lose my will to live faster than having to stand in line at a store that has 35 register lanes but only four of them are open.

And do you know what else is fun? When the credit card you pay off every month through electronic banking somehow hasn't posted yet and so when you are paying for your stuff--the single box of lights among that stuff--with the credit card that you think has a zero balance, it comes back declined. So fun!

Know what's even more fun than that? When you scratch your head and ask the clerk to please run it again because it must be an error and the clerk runs it and then says loudly "You denied," to which you reply, "That must be a mistake. We pay off our cards monthly. Would you try one more time?" while nodding apologetically to the man behind you in line.

And the most fun is when the clerk runs it, then says very loudly so that people in the other three open lanes can hear, "YOU DENIED!" while giving you the stink eye. So fun! Yeah.

I can now report that that problem is resolved and that instead of doing more Christmas shopping, I stayed home. I'd like to tell you that I did some wrapping or baking, but what I really did was watch "Elf" while I taped my feet. Nothing screams Christmas like Will Farrell and sports tape.

Don't ever let anyone tell you that I don't know how to have a good time.

*Only if today is Opposite Day.